I wrote these letters over the course of a weekend using the pseudonym Earl B. Morris, homage to one of my favorite directors, Errol Morris.

Your B&B looks like an incredible experience, and very sexy to boot! I intend to book a room with my great-aunt but have a few concerns - mostly dietary, but a few are of an emotional nature.

I notice you have a multi-course dinner, and we have decided on the courses we would like to be served:

These are all "Phase Three" in our high-protein/Lo-carb diet so they should fit in nicely with our stay. I neglected to mention fresh-baked bread of some sort, but I presume it will be available to us - although we probably won't have much, due to dietary restrictions. As for breakfast, a simple oatmeal, berries, and fresh juice should suffice.

1. My G.A. has severe allergies to wool & pecans, and it is of utmost importance that neither of those things is available to her. Especially after she has a few cocktails.

2. I have an extraordinarily bad case of sleep-apnea, requiring me to wear breathing apparatus and a harness. This can be quite disturbing to other guests who are not accustomed to seeing people in this state. Perhaps we can bring this up over dinner in the form of a toast?

3. As a general rule we do not discuss politics, religion, or industry of any kind. We are open to the topics of sex & sexuality, hunting/taxidermy, and probate law.

We really look forward to staying with you! Please let us know your availability at your soonest convenience.

We choose our menu each week based on what is in season and fresh. We serve soup salad, entrée and dessert and accommodate any allergies that guests have. Since "Phase 3" of the latest diet allows for all foods in moderation, whatever we serve should work well with your diet.

You are welcome to lead dinner table conversation in any direction you would like - can't say that we have a lot of taxidermy talk around the dinner table, so that might be an interesting change. We will keep our dog locked up during your stay.

I'm unsure why our other guests would see what you wear to sleep in, maybe you have other plans for your stay that were not included in your email but again, you are free to discuss and/or toast whatever you want at the dinner table.

As for your Great Aunt's allergies, we will keep the pecans away from her and you can keep her off the wool carpets.

I am writing you with a small complaint and a suggestion about your male masturbatory-aid the ***** 2000. Your device looks quite enchanting, but I find that I, and probably many of your potential customers are unable to afford the $800 base price of the unit, much less any of the pleasure enhancing attachments such as the remote control, so I am relegated to using the old standbys - watermelons, coconuts, etc

I have to live on a meager jazzercise instructor's salary, and don't see my financial outlook changing anytime soon.

This brings me to my suggestion: Rent to own - this would allow those of us on semi-fixed incomes, to enjoy the pleasures your ***** 2000 has to offer, but in a way that's able to benefit both the budget consumer and your company.

Another idea would be something like a "time-share" whereby members could form local groups and "buy in". Do you know of anything like this?

Disappointed to hear you do not see your situation changing anytime soon. The only thing we have to offer you is the Lay-A-Way. Pay what you want, when you want and how you wish and when paid we ship. We do not send out units until they are paid in full.

Your ideas of time share and things like that have been done but it is organized by the customer, not us. Thanks for your interest in the ***** 2000.

I have always been very good at sneaking, and am able to fit myself in small spaces. I am able to fool my aunt into thinking I am not home by remaining very silent for minutes at a time, and I am a master of nunchucks.

I plan on attending HVAC repair school in the spring and will be studying the layouts of various kinds of heating and cooling ducts so I can practice crawling through them, etc.

Would you be interested in hiring me as an apprentice? I am willing to relocate, and would give up on the HVAC school if you would be willing to teach me more about sneaking into air ducts.

If not, could you send me hints on where to study more things that I need to be a PI?

Members: Association of Certified Fraud Examiners, American Society for Industrial Security, UCF Alumni Association

*Fraud & Security Consulting Litigation (Detection, Prevention, Compliance, Expert Witness), Financial Investigations (U.S. & Offshore), Premises Liability, Security Negligence, Personal Injury, Wrongful Death, Workplace Violence, Employment Screening Procedures, Private Investigative & Security Industry Standards-Procedures Expert*

THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS TRANSMISSION IS PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION INTENDED ONLY FOR USE OF THE INDIVIDUAL OR ENTITY NAMED ABOVE. IF THE READER OF THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE INTENDED RECIPIENT, YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED THAT ANY DISSEMINATION, DISTRIBUTION OR COPYING OF THIS COMMUNICATION IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS COMMUNICATION IN ERROR, PLEASE DELETE IT. THANK YOU.

I have a seven year old Cairn Terrier named Frederick who I've had since he was a puppy. He recently started showing signs of sexual aggression toward me that have gotten worse in the last few months. The aggression borders on harassment, but so far it hasn't been anything physical, just a sort of "vibe" he's been sending me. I am starting to enjoy his company less and less, even to the point of not letting him sleep under the covers with me anymore.

I'm writing to enlist the aid of a pet psychic in the hopes that our relationship can get back to normal - Fredrick's always been a little "macho" and developed at an early age, but until recently it has never been directed at me. My fears of being mentally harassed by him prevent me from even doing daily routines like morning Pilates without locking him in the bathroom.

Freddy did start to act out a little after his most recent overnight trip to the vet, do you see anything here? Should I have him neutered?

I would be happy to "tune in" and find out what's happening with Frederick. If you'd like to proceed, simple e-mail or snail mail a picture of your kitty, then pay for an appointment either on-line or by mail. I'll be happy to set up a time to talk with you on the phone following receipt of these two things.

You referred to my dog Frederick as a kitty - Did you get a flash about this? Perhaps this is the root of the problem. Perhaps he feels trapped in the wrong body! (God knows I often do.)

Perhaps you can "tune in" a little further and see if perhaps Freddy was meant to be a kitty? How do I mail snails? Through UPS? Is there a fee involved beyond the usual? Please send me details.

Hmmm. Trapped in the wrong body? Haven't encountered that before. If you'd like to sign up for a session, please send photo by e-mail or by regular mail, along with payment ($30 for half hour). Usual fee. Thanks, *****

I am writing to voice my complaints about your new anti-Semite advertising campaign. I only recently started drinking "real" beer - last summer in fact, at a folk dancing workshop - and have learned to enjoy the musky smell, and rather giddy feelings that accompany a fine glass. Recently, I purchased a pack of six bottles of your "Boston Ale" to bring home to share with my dog Lily while we watched "Dancing with the Stars" together. We were halfway through a glass, when I glanced at the bottle and noticed the label proudly proclaimed itself part of the "Jewmaster's Collection"!

I was flabbergasted! To insinuate that after thousands of years of punishment and persecution the Jews needed a "Master" and that master would be the clearly Irish Catholic "Samuel **ams" is outrageous, and frankly very offensive! I am 1/8 Hebrew, and feel quite certain that my forefathers are rolling in their graves to think that their progeny would be helping to further the blatantly hateful campaign of a beer company.

This is one Jew who does NOT need a "Master", and will NOT be purchasing any further six-bottle packs of your product.

P.S. I have purposefully not included my home address or phone number in this email, for fear of a hateful reprise on the part of your company!

Thank you for writing to us at Samuel Adams and for allowing us to respond. I think there has been a misunderstanding. We have a collection of beer styles that are call the BREWmasters Collection, a brewmaster being a certified brewer. They are an assortment of beers that fall into this collection for their distinguished taste and style.

We apologize for any misunderstanding, and are unsure if your label was a typo or if perhaps you just read it wrong. Please let us know if there is anything else.

Rest assured I am no fool. I speak two languages (including English), and attended the School of Design in Yuma, Arizona for over seven years. While I was touched by your letter, I feel certain that you would not impugn my dignity by assuming I would "read it wrong"!

However, let's move past the obvious - your anti-Semite slogans, and into the more sublime;

My research into the life of Samuel *****, through most of the evening yesterday, revealed that he has little or no Jewish blood in his lineage. Perhaps it was simply an error on your part to name a collection of beer for him, thus totally ignoring an element of society that has been crucial to both the entertainment field, and the world of finance. Perhaps you can attempt to rectify this oversight.

1: Change the name of your product to "Samuel *****tein", this way he would still be recognizable as our beloved historical figure, but also would be a nod to a large segment of the drinking population!

2: Change his first name to "Chaim". "Chaim ***** Beer" has a nice ring to it, and the ladies would LOVE IT!

C: Omit "Samuel *****" Completely and name the beer for other more loved Jewish historical figures. Perhaps a sports figure?

Either of these three idea's would be enough for my great-aunt and I to start drinking your beer again, and probably many other men and their great-aunts as well.

I look forward to hearing from you, and discussing possible rights to these ideas.

P.S. how does one obtain a "Brewmasters" Certificate? It sounds as though it would be an interesting job. Do you offer the program there? If you do please send details.

Please feel free to mail me the label that says Jewmasters. I would definitely be interested in seeing it as it is obviously a printing error on our part.

I no longer have the bottles. I was so enraged I threw them into the neighbors bin. I can however attempt to sketch a reproduction. I am a fairly artistic person to put it mildly!

I will need charcoal pens and a rubber eraser and at least three 8x11 sheets of quality paper. Will you be supplying these or do you simply reimburse me?

I am writing a letter of complaint about your product "***** ******** Shampoo - Lavender".

I recently purchased a bottle of your shampoo, and headed home eager to shower and enjoy the floral scented suds caressing my head. I undressed myself, removed my hairpiece & stepped into the shower and began to soap the remainder of my hair up. I smelled a faint but familiar smell cutting through the lavender scent, but continued shampooing anyway hoping it would go away. In a sudden flash of recognition I recalled what the familiar smell was - Methylchloroisothiazolinone! All of the awful associations I have with this terrible smell came flooding back at once. I uttered a little scream and dropped the bottle onto my toes, rinsed my hair quickly and got out of the shower in a flash.

I spent the next few hours cleaning the bathtub to erase the lingering scent of the Methylchloroisothiazolinone, and had to throw the bottle and all it contents, my towels & bathmat, and my beloved bath toys in the garbage! I could not afford to throw out my toupee, as I am not a man of means, and live on a Jazz Dance instructor's salary.

For the next several days, I had to meditate, and do Native American Smudge ceremonies to cleanse the house (and myself) of the negative energy.

My life is now almost back to normal, but the memory of this traumatic experience will continue to haunt me for another 17 days.

I am not asking for financial remuneration, but simply that you think twice before using such emotionally loaded ingredients as Methylchloroisothiazolinone in your products.

All ***** ****** products comply with all federal regulatory requirements for health and safety. Only ingredients essential to our products are used in the formulations. Factors considered during development include product effectiveness, convenience in use, overall safety, aesthetic appeal and economy.

Our research staff continues to review existing products and develop new ones. This on-going program provides Consumers with products of highest quality and performance, and we will continue to do all we can to assist any consumer who has experienced an any concern with one of our products.

At this time, we do not have a promotional program for distribution of free coupons or samples. We suggest checking magazines and local newspapers, as they frequently carry cents off coupons for many of our products.

It's really great to have friends! What's your favorite movie? Mine is "The Sunshine Boys"! The sledding weather here is great, do you sled?

Lucien Spelman is a former child flamenco guitarist/actor/stuntman and current writer/web designer/boat captain who lives with his wife Isabella, son Teague, and pugdog Luci in the beautiful North Shore of Massachusetts. Like most Musician/actor/stuntmen/writer/webdesigner/boat captains, he has waited enough tables in his life that if you were to line them up end-to-end they would for a bridge from here to Alpha Centauri. He greatest wish besides the health of his family is to never have to wait a table again. He has managed to nearly make this dream come true for several years.

BBT Magazine, or Blood, Blade, and Thruster Magazine to the neophyte, is a print magazine that blends speculative fiction & satire. Think Realms of Fantasy meets The Onion. Think Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine meets Mad Magazine.

While pondering the lack of humor present in most genre magazines, Lucien Spelman fell into a deep Guinness induced meditative state. Upon waking several days later, he flushed, threw open the door, and announced his Quixotic mission to bring high-quality, satirical content to the world of The Geek. Lucien created BBT Magazine in June of 2006, and with a self-deprecating sense of humor about his own geeky nature, and the help of long-time friend Kennedy Smith and avant guard roustabout Earl B Morris, he premiered the first issue in Sept of 2006. Remember their Motto: Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum!