Prayers to Sheos
Part 11

     I had a beard. I had tattered clothing. I had a flask of cheap whiskey. I was officially on the run. Since ditching my home in Troy, Ohio, I had found myself in a number of towns just trying to dodge the spider-baby. Rabies and I had even split up to hopefully confuse the thing, but I didn’t have high hopes. The old days, the all or nothing days, as Marv would say, and I knew that if he was after me, the most I could do was run. And even that couldn’t last. No one runs forever, a fact as true today as it was back in Heaven.

Desi,

     There are a number of things you can do to get a guy to notice you. You could set yourself on fire, or if you’re going for the more subtle approach, you could freeze yourself in a large block of ice; however, this tactic would require the service of outside help. People you can trust not to put you in the wrong place at the wrong time. But anyway, the thing that most women don’t get about guys is that they are small gods with nothing to rule. But they are looking, seeking and searching, and you need to show them that you could be where they lay their claim. Obviously, any smart woman would see that this is totally a ruse. All you’re really doing is fooling a man into becoming your slave. What a cruel trick! Good luck!

     The spider-baby came around just as the creation of Earth had become an all consuming project for Jehovah and his angels. The rest of the council watched as Jehovah continued with what we saw as a continuous blundering mistake, but from time to time it proved entertaining. Jehovah had come up with his human prototypes one after another, and while most of them came out pretty bland, there was one that sprung forth as cruel, calculating, and fast. This was the spider-baby.

     All twelve of us were impressed with the spider-baby. Even Smota, the most gruff of us, talked about it with some affection. There was no doubt that most of the council, if given the chance, would welcome the spider-baby into their homes, the only problem with our liking of the spider-baby was that he absolutely hated each and every one of us. Put the thing around angels or humans, and he would cuddle up with them like an over affectionate cat, but slide him into a room with a council member and watch as it tried its hardest to tear he or she apart.

Phillips head,

     OMFGG! Are you stupid or what? I suggest that you end your life immediately. Method of choice: feed yourself to cats. You’re doing two great things at the same time! Sure it may take a while, but suck it up. You’re the one that got pregnant, not those cats. I mean, how selfish are you really? BFTGTCHQ!

     The day the spider-baby slipped away came when it tried to attack Jehovah. Apparently the councilman had been pacing back and forth at Heaven’s end and found a spider’s web in one of his patented trees. The spider-baby allegedly watched as Jehovah swiped the webbing from the tree and tossed it to the ground. Later reports stated that the spider-baby had been seen in the web often, and they speculated that it was his favorite sitting space. I’m figuring that most of those people were right, because right after Jehovah took out the web, the spider-baby was all over him, slashing with its tiny fingers, biting with its tiny mouth.

     Jehovah wasn’t having any of that. Much the same way he got pissy with Lucifer, Jehovah threw a fit and slammed the spider-baby down to the ground.

     “Shamus,” Jehovah yelled—Yes, he named the thing Shamus. “Get over here right now!” However the spider-baby wasn’t having any of that. Instead of moving closer to his creator, he crawled closer to Heaven’s edge. “Shamus,” Jehovah said again, only this time with more of a warning in his voice. The spider-baby stuck its tongue out and leaped from the edge, taking a steep drop from Heaven to Earth.

     Jehovah was furious. He went on for weeks about how he should have destroyed the “little bastard” when he had the chance.

     In my current state, I would have to agree with him.

Mexi-can’t,

     Believe me when I say that you should take that “better to have loved and lost” attitude with this one. Always remember that the cuisine will be there for you if the urge gets to outrageous, but don’t fall on it every time the option arises. Personally, I know what you’re going through, I had a similar reaction to sushi, but I was able to get through it, and so will you. That or you will die happily in a vat of refried beans.

     Hey, I’d pay to see it.

     It came to me through the grapevine that the spider-baby had done well in the crime world as an assassin, only his prey weren’t of the mob variety. Instead, he had tapped into a sect that dealt especially with the supernatural. One thing that it like to spread around was the fact that his rates were high, but he always got the job done. Another thing he liked to state was that if anyone ever wanted a god killed, he’d do it for free. No questions asked.

     The way I heard it, no one ever took the spider-baby serious in that regard, but I suppose that in time anything could come to pass. Some one had set him on mine and Rabies’s tail, and now I had to keep my wits about me.

     Only now that I had looked around, I wasn’t sure that I was going about it the right way. I was a god after all, and now here I was hiding out in a dumpster. This could be right.

     I threw off the lid of the waste management container and climbed out. I started walking down the street, thinking of what to do next. I had to fight back, that much I knew.

     I stepped up to a sign that was close to the road. I read it: Marietta.

     This was where I decided to make my stand.

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